My weight changes so often I don't even pay attention to the scale anymore. One day, I'm closer to 116; the next, I'm barely 109.
Numbers don't matter. Focus on how you feel--pay attention to your energy levels, ease of digestion, the way you feel in your clothes. These photos show my body's changes over the span of 9 weeks. Want to know what I did? I listened to my body. I paid more attention to its red flags and subtle messages, and then catered to those needs versus what I thought I needed. But let's backtrack a few... I have a rough history with food. If I solely ate based off of what I thought I needed, I'm sure I could convince myself to not eat anything at all. I remember telling myself, "You didn't deserve this," after every time I ate. Once that goes on for so long, anyone would start to associate a negative connotation with eating. The deserving-factor came about for a few reasons. I honestly can't remember when I went into this mindset because it goes as far back as I can remember. I have memories of counting the exact number of goldfish I would put into my ziploc bag as a snack before heading off to seventh grade at my new public school. I remember cutting protein bars into thirds and telling myself, "You can have this portion for breakfast, and this as a snack and then if you eat it slowly, this may be okay for lunch too." I remember waking up around 5:30/6am before high school so that I could either run at least three miles down the RJ Corman Trail near my family's home or make the mad dash to the gym so I could get in round one of two, sometimes three, in before being forced to sit all day in classes. Then, I remember the shame I began to associate with eating. I believed that if I didn't burn X-many calories then my body didn't need any extra,at all. I adopted the calorie-burned-equals-calorie-deserved mentality. So, let's say my watch said that I only burned 800 calories from my multiple workouts that day...then 800 calories was what I tried to keep my consumption around. The gym became my home. I started to become very small. And fragile. My immune system essentially sucked. Doctors scared me with the early signs of osteoporsis. My periods stopped for five years. Then, I remember going into a deep, deep depression that I'm not even going to begin to touch in this post. I started drinking alot. I didn't really watch what I ate and started eating in private so that no one could tell me I didn't deserve the food. I lost all motivation to do anything, even the only thing that seemed to give me purpose: working out and teaching fitness classes. I started to feel extremely uncomfortable eating around others and therefore, didn't. I remember going weekends without food if I went on a trip or spent that time with a partner. I also remember binging when I woud finally return home, only to purge because I felt so guilty. Long story short, I have had quite an unhealthy relationship with food and the whole concept of eating. All the stomach acid and digestion disruption I caused from restriction and purging led to a wide array of tummy troubles. Now, I can't digest a lot of foods and I often experience pain after after eating which makes banishing the negative association quite difficult. For me, eating meant pain. It went from meaning pain as in guilt and shame to pain meaning actual, physical pain. So even when I fully tried to get better there was so much damage that I needed to reverse. The physical pains from eating were so uncomfortable that it became all I could think about. I began to plan my entire days around when I would eat so that I could time out the pain appropriately. (For example, if I knew I had a social event later that day, I either wouldn't eat at all or I would wake up extremely early and try to eat enough nutrients to keep me going for the day...but I knew I had X-many hours for the pain to hopefully go away that I could be fully engages with those whom I was visiting with). It affected every aspect of my life; the pain interfered with work, social outings, sleep and so I decided to go to the doctor and end the suffering. I found out that I'm experiencing a form of IBS (which sadly, is chronic) but also due to my past of eating disorders. Over the past two years where I've been really trying to cure unhealthy mindset on food, reintroducing normal eating habits has proven quite difficult. My doctor prescribed a certain medication for IBS that helps with intestinal spasms but really, mindful eating is what has saved me. I've adopted a sort of intermittent fasting approach (learn more by following the link--I will do a separate post on this within the next week, also) to eating so that I give my digestive system a good break between meals. Technically, I still time my days around when I eat because I still experience pain; but it's far more tolerable. With intermittent fasting, I eat all my nutrients within a certain time frame so that my digestive system doesn't have to work all day long. Some may argue that several small meals a day is good for your metabolism and that I am hindering my metabolic health this way. However, as you can see from the photos my body and its ability to grow and strengthen has not been hindered by this eating approach. What good is look lean and sculpted if you can't hike 6 miles uphill to your favorite sunset spot? What if you deprive your body of so many nutrients that you physically can't muster the energy to drive 25 extra minutes and support your sister in her cheer competition after you get off of work (yes, that how week you can become from consistly starving yourself. It sounds like an exaggeration; but really, sometimes that energy could not even remotely be mustered)? Are you willing to sacrifice life experiences for the sake of your temporary physical appearance? Intermittent fasting has taught me to look at food as what it is-fuel. Food is fuel for our bodies to do the things we love to do. So now, I know that I must eat and I strive to fill my body with the food and nutrients it needs so that I can actually live life. Since it's still an actual painful process considering my past, I have to go about it with a somewhat-scientific approach. Here's what I mean: Before every meal:
As I eat, I think about what I am eating and what I want the food to fuel me to do. For example, if I'm eating an avocado I will picture the avocado and where it came from, then think, "This will help be do 30 more kettlebell swings later." This way of eating has helped me slow down and really think about what I am doing. It has helped me to stay energized and able to take and teach more classes plus stay productive at work. Added bonus....my abs appeared! Magic. I know that I only briefly mentioned some of the topics in this post; I will into more depth later in separate posts. Until then, peace and love! Get sweaty. Fuel yourself. ~yoginiliv
2 Comments
Mark Anthony Guilao
1/12/2017 06:28:02 pm
On the surface I didn't know you went through this. I have to reread this over again. Lots of small details about your journey with food, health, mental, physical struggles and how you overcame the obstacles along the way. Wow Olivia...thank you for sharing. Look By forward to read more post about your journey.
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Olivia
1/17/2017 08:50:25 am
Thank you for reading, Mark! I've finally decided that I want my story to be known so that maybe it can help others who are dealing with similar struggles. Thank you for zero judgment.
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AuthorNature-loving, adventure-seeking, holistic and wellness advocate: Yoginiliv. Archives
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